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Originally published Thursday, December 12, 2013 at 7:41 PM

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For a Bills fan, this gift was worse than a lump of coal

The Seattle Times

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Worst sports gift you ever received?

“By accident, my parents once gave me a box with nothing inside of it for Christmas, forgetting to put a gift in,” Buffalo Bills fan Andrew told “I laughed and sarcastically claimed, ‘I love it!’

“Without missing a beat, my dad (a Giants fan) said, ‘We thought you would. It’s a replica Jim Kelly Super Bowl ring.’

“I stopped laughing.”

Unnecessary roughness

Home-plate collisions could be banned as soon as the 2014 season if major-league owners get their way.

So do they call the runner out, or just have an NFL ref march him 15 yards back up the third-base line?

Nose for the football

Missouri guard Max Copeland has a gash on the bridge of his nose from fall camp that hasn’t healed because his helmet keeps aggravating it.

“There’s a big ol’ chunk of skin out of there,” Copeland told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. “It doesn’t get me a lot of dates, but that’s football.”

Sports quiz

What do you call it when Bartolo Colon’s season is shortened 50 games by a PED suspension?

A semi-Colon.

Eating the football

“How to gain 10 pounds while watching TV on Sunday?” wrote Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle. “Take a big dip of guacamole every time the quarterback flaps his arms and otherwise elaborately signals for a change in formation and play, and the play goes for 1 yard.”

Quote marks

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on the new Foot Locker commercial in which Mike Tyson returns Evander Holyfield’s ear: “Let’s hope this isn’t the precursor to a John and Lorena Bobbitt ad.”

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, after a 4.5 temblor struck during the Oklahoma-Oklahoma State football game: “California’s economy is so depressed even the earthquakes are moving back to Oklahoma.”

• Redskins coach Mike Shanahan, to reporters, after listing his reasons for benching QB Robert Griffin III: “I’m trying to be as honest as I can, and I don’t normally do that.”

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on why Lamar Odom was given three years’ probation for DUI instead of house arrest: “Confined all day with a Kardashian would be cruel and unusual punishment.”

Shooting Guard Dept.

In something of a first, Seton Hall sophomore Tom Maayan has to leave the basketball team because he’s been called to active duty by the Israeli Defense Forces.

First order of business out on the firing range: Improving that .364 shooting percentage.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or

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About Sideline Chatter | Dwight Perry

Times night-desk editor Dwight Perry uses Sideline Chatter as a not-so-safe haven for the humorous, offbeat and bizarre events and characters that color the sports landscape. His Page 2 column runs Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays in Sports. | 206-464-8250


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