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Originally published Thursday, May 30, 2013 at 8:05 PM

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Don't mess with MMA fans, you lowly criminals of the world

Attention, carjackers: It's best to steer clear of mixed martial arts fans. A would-be auto rustler in Sacramento, Calif., got quite a surprise...

The Seattle Times

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Attention, carjackers: It's best to steer clear of mixed martial arts fans.

A would-be auto rustler in Sacramento, Calif., got quite a surprise when Abel Simmons — accosted in his driveway after returning home from watching UFC 160 — employed a tactic he'd seen at the matches.

"I had him in a guillotine choke," Simmons told KXTV-TV. "And he wasn't getting out of that. I had that locked in pretty tight.

"I just held him in place and said, 'Well, guess you are going to jail tonight, buddy.' "

Headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: "Everyone totally fine with the IRS auditing the New England Patriots."

• At TheOnion.com: "Tecmo Bowl-winning Bulldogs visit White House."

They call him Flopper

The NBA fined the Heat's LeBron James and the Pacers' David West and Lance Stephenson $5,000 apiece for diving in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference finals.

Or as the league's discipline police prefer to call it, a three-flop night.

Royal pain

Royals manager Ned Yost is apparently stumped for motivational ideas.

"What are you asking me to do?" he grilled reporters after K.C. lost its 10th straight home game — and 18th of 22 overall. "Take my belt off and spank them? Yell at them? Scream at them? What do you want?"

Talking the talk

• Ohio State president E. Gordon Gee, at a Dec. 5 meeting of the OSU Athletics Council, on critics who point out the Big Ten has 14 teams: "You tell the SEC when they can learn to read and write, then they can figure out what we're doing."

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, after a Russian club team took up a crude form of American football: "Team leaders took time out to say they don't want Tim Tebow, either."

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, after Broncos QB Peyton Manning shot a 77 at Augusta National: "Though Tom Brady phoned in claiming he took an illegal drop."

• Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, after Keyshawn Johnson complained about neighbor Justin Bieber's speeding: "When your behavior offends an ex-NFL receiver, it is time to clean up your act."

Stop the insanity

The NCAA says a University of Portland women's golfer must repay the school $20 — the value of the water and a hose — for washing her car on campus because it constituted an improper benefit, Yahoo! Sports reported.

Didn't see that water hazard coming.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com

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