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Originally published May 28, 2013 at 7:15 PM | Page modified May 28, 2013 at 9:13 PM

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We've heard of strikeouts, but this is ridiculous

Chill the umpire! A high-school baseball ump — obviously under the influence, witnesses say — passed out during a game in Stark...

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Chill the umpire!

A high-school baseball ump — obviously under the influence, witnesses say — passed out during a game in Stark County, Ill., and then attacked first responders who came to his aid and was tased twice by police, WQAD-TV reported.

The umpiring situation, in short: loaded, with one out and two strikes.

NFL headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: "Brian Urlacher retires as a Green Bay Packer: 'I just wanted to go out a winner.' "

• At TheOnion.com: "Pete Carroll thankful NFL didn't catch rest of Seahawks using PEDs."

Error on the play

Here's what you get when you cross a broken bat with Memorial Day: a poor choice of words.

Said Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez, after the Yankees' Phil Hughes sawed off Daniel Murphy's bat during Monday's game: "That is a dead soldier right there, folks, laying on that infield dirt."

A broadcast spokesman said Hernandez would get a talking-to.

Name game

From Greg Cote of The Miami Herald: "The Marlins, who have lost nine games by shutout and are 0-12 at home with the roof closed, signed a reliever with perfect surname for a team at the bottom of the standings: Duane Below."

Tebow fan

"(Tim) Tebow is a player who rises to the occasion and delivers big in critical moments," actor Chuck Norris wrote on NewsBusters.org. "He reminds me of myself when I used to compete in martial arts."

In other words, Chuck likes Tebow's quarterbacking chops.

Quote marks

• New Timberwolves president Flip Saunders, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, when asked if any of his players are untouchable: "That's kind of a stupid question because Wilt Chamberlain, Oscar Robertson and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar got traded."

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on recent findings that tragedy makes one think about sex: "So there is a bright side to being a Toronto Maple Leafs fan."

• CBS's David Letterman, on the $590 million Powerball prize: "That's the biggest single jackpot since well, since Tiger Woods' divorce."

• NBC's Jimmy Fallon, on the Yankees partially fronting an expansion MLS team: "You can tell it's owned by the Yankees because A-Rod won't be playing for that team either."

Bad Dog

Sophomore safety Josh Harvey-Clemons has been suspended for Georgia's season opener after he got caught smoking marijuana in his campus dorm room.

So much for those Keep Off The Grass signs.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com

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