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Originally published Thursday, May 2, 2013 at 7:51 PM

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Golden Bear vs. Tiger: It's a battle TMZ would love

Eat your heart out, Yogi: The Golden Bear is also smarter than the average bear. "I still think Tiger will break my record (of 18 wins in...

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Eat your heart out, Yogi: The Golden Bear is also smarter than the average bear.

"I still think Tiger will break my record (of 18 wins in major tournaments)," Jack Nicklaus told Golfweek magazine.

Then slyly added: "If I said anything different, there would be headlines in the newspaper tomorrow."

Headlines

• At Fark.com: "Texas A&M expanding stadium to hold 102,500 seats, or 82,000 Texas-sized people."

• At SportsPickle.com: "CDC warns that hitting is contagious."

.500 bawl

New Orleans = The Big Easy.

Dallas = The Big Average.

How else do you explain that, in the past four months, the NFL Cowboys have finished 8-8, the NBA Mavericks went 41-41 and the NHL Stars went 22-22-4?

Here's the beef

QB Tim Tebow, released by the Jets on Monday, already has a job offer in hand — $75 a game from indoor football's Omaha Beef.

Coming soon to a concessions menu near you: Tebowin' Steak.

Both sides now

Recently retired umpire Tim Tschida is now an assistant baseball coach at Cumberland (Minn.) High School.

"Tschida wears uniform No. 44 and coaches first base," noted Charley Walters of the St. Paul Pioneer Press. "No word on whether he disputes umpires' calls."

BP: yes; TP: no

Angels pitcher Michael Roth is no fan of the A's Oakland Alameda County Coliseum, tweeting: "This clubhouse has the thinnest toilet paper. Might have to contact the union about this ... "

Added Adam Hill of the Las Vegas Review-Journal: "Yet another thing you never heard about in 'Moneyball.' "

Quote marks

• Reader Kevin O'Dell, to the Medicine Hat (Alberta) News, on Mike D'Antoni leaving the tranquil Suns for the dysfunctional Knicks and then the soap-opera Lakers: "Who will he coach next, the Kardashians?"

• Comedian Argus Hamilton, on the latest fallout from deer-antler spray on the PGA Tour: "First golfer to grow antlers gets a huge endorsement deal from Hartford Insurance."

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, after the Packers signed hirsute linebacker Clay Matthews to a new contract: "It's a five-year deal, so it'll take Matthews all the way to his next haircut."

• NBC's Jimmy Fallon, on a new study claiming that certain fish use sign language to communicate: "Apparently they have a sign for everything — except for 'big metal hook.' "

Can't-miss TV

Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts threatened to move the team from Wrigley Field if he's blocked from erecting a 6,000-square-foot video screen behind the left-field bleachers.

Or to put it in layman's terms, half the size of Mel Kiper's big board.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com

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