Hamburger helper, perhaps?

Free-agent pitcher Mark Hamburger has a 50-game suspension pending after twice testing positive for recreational drugs.

Or as he prefers to call them, condiments.

Headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: "Manti Te'o to comment on slow 40 time as soon as he catches his breath."

• At TheOnion.com: "Orange cone impresses scouts at NFL combine."

Pot in every pot

An Oregon congressman has introduced a bill to put a tax on marijuana sales.

Or as they call it in pro-athlete circles, greens fees.

Combine

More Manti Te'o make-believe, courtesy of the NFL draft combine:

• 1 inch less of height

• 14 pounds less of weight

• a couple ticks more in the 40-yard dash

New Sunday plans

Michigan State linebacker Chris Norman says he'll pass on the NFL draft and go into the ministry instead.

The Saints and Cardinals declined comment.

Worming his way in

Ex-NBA player Dennis Rodman is going to North Korea, tour organizers say, as a "basketball diplomat."

Which means President Kim Jong Un becomes only the second-biggest loose cannon in North Korea.

Navel forces

Golf insiders say they figured all along that the PGA Tour would oppose any ban on anchored putters.

Or in Craig Stadler's case, just a gut feeling.

On thin ice

The Buffalo Sabres fired 16th-year coach Lindy Ruff after the team opened the season with a 6-10-1 mark.

In other words, rough start = Ruff finish.

Quote marks

• Len Berman of ThatsSports.com, after the Yankees won the trademark rights to the phrase "Baseball's Evil Empire": "You gotta love pro sports. The goal is to make a buck off of everything — including insults."

• NBC's Jimmy Fallon, after a California judge set a May 6 date for the Kris Humphries-Kim Kardashian divorce trial: "The pre-show on E! will begin on March 1."

• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on John Huh being named PGA Tour rookie of the year: "Huh? Yes. Who? Huh!"

• Comedy writer Alan Ray, on what college basketball coaches tell their players to avoid getting called for three seconds in the lane: "Hey, pretend it's a classroom."

Blame it on Norv

Ex-San Diego mayor Maureen O'Connor testified she gambled away more than a billion dollars she inherited from her late husband.

Apparently she let it ride on the Chargers.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com