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Originally published Thursday, February 14, 2013 at 7:47 PM

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Is that Scrooge McDuck or Felix the King?

Now that's a mound of cash. If Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez ever wanted to stack the proceeds of his new $175 million contract ...

The Seattle Times

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Now that's a mound of cash.

If Mariners pitcher Felix Hernandez ever wanted to stack the proceeds of his new $175 million contract — one crisp $1 bill every second — it would take him more than 5 ½ years to finish.

And his pile of ones would be nearly 12 miles high!

Bad Magic

The NBA suspended Orlando forward Hedo Turkoglu for 20 games after he tested positive for steroids.

Serves his coaches right for telling him to take it strong to the basket.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: "IOC president to meet with head of wrestling's governing body to discuss how big of a bribe is needed to save its Olympic status."

• At TheOnion.com: "NBA fines Hornets $200,000 for not playing star players in any games this season."

Golfer 1, Spider 0

Swedish golfer Daniela Holmqvist used a tee to drain out the venom — and finish her round — after a deadly spider got her on the leg at an LPGA tournament qualifier in Australia.

Coincidence? Holmqvist's approach shots suddenly had a lot more bite to them.

Upping his allowance

Talk about getting handsomely paid for playing a kids' game.

The Baltimore Ravens could be poised to tell QB Joe Flacco "Tag, you're it" — and hand him $14.6 million.

Bumping it outside

The NFL, saying players keep getting bigger and faster, has formed a committee to study making the playing field wider.

Apparently Packer foes complained it's getting tougher and tougher to run around B.J. Raji and stay inbounds.

Half-dressed for success

Maybe it was just a production oversight, but SI swimsuit cover model Kate Upton forgot to put her top on this year.

Quote marks

• Steve Watts of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, after golfer Vijay Singh was the butt of jokes at last week's AT&T Pebble Beach National Pro-Am over his use of deer-antler spray: "It doesn't help that Singh, who hasn't won on the PGA Tour since 2008, is in a rut."

• Jack Finarelli of SportsCurmudgeon.com, after four Alabama football players were arrested in connection with two armed robberies: "Parole Tide."

• CBS's David Letterman, on Westminster Kennel Club perks: "The winner of the dog show gets a beautiful blue ribbon and a toilet full of champagne."

Cellblock and tackle

O.J. Simpson held a Super Bowl viewing party in his Nevada prison cell, the New York Post reported.

Alas, unlike the game, The Juice couldn't go out in the third quarter.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com

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