They're relocating to Alderaan ... er, Cleveland
Hey, it was fun while it lasted. "As founding father and CEO of H. A. T. E. (Heat Are The Enemy), I am officially announcing that ... the movement is now...
The Seattle Times
Hey, it was fun while it lasted.
"As founding father and CEO of H.A.T.E. (Heat Are The Enemy), I am officially announcing that ... the movement is now over," wrote Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel. "The rebellion has been crushed by the Heat Death Star piloted by Darth Vaseline (Pat Riley).
"The fight is over. The NBA has now been enveloped by the Dark Side, and there's nothing more we can do about it."
One at a time, please
New York City plays host to the both the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest and the World Burping Championships.
Thankfully, not at the same time.
Oklahoma City's Russell Westbrook shot 4 for 20 in Game 5 of the NBA Finals — and his team lost by 15 points.
In other words, the Thunder would've won if he just could've gotten off another 40 shots.
"A report says that the world population is 17 million tons overweight," noted meteorologist Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va. "Which means the sea level isn't rising at all. We're just so fat that the land is sinking into the ocean."
So much for Dan Gilbert's prediction that his jilted Cavaliers would win a championship before LeBron James' new team would.
Which is why the likes of Paul the Octopus and Princess the Camel — and not NBA owners — do the serious prognosticating these days.
• At TheOnion.com: "Lance Armstrong's bike: 'It was me.' "
• A's pitcher and L.A. native Brandon McCarthy, via Twitter, in response to a survey asking which two living people he'd pick to broadcast a game: "Vin Scully and someone to get him water."
• Rick Ball, B.C. Lions radio broadcaster, when smoke obscured the uprights in Edmonton during a PAT attempt: "It's like the back of Cheech and Chong's van."
• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on the state of the Blue Jays' pitching staff: "Right-handed, left-handed and short-handed."
• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, after the Thunder's James Harden sprained his left hand in the NBA Finals: "He won't need it — it's his shaving hand."
She's not kidding
A New Jersey woman is suing an 11-year-old Little League player for $150,000 after his errant warm-up throw struck her in the face.
Hopes for a quick settlement were dashed when she refused to take payment in Dairy Queen coupons.
Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or firstname.lastname@example.org