Welcome to Poland and the Euro 2012 Championships, soccer hooligans!

"The Polish police are going to come down on troublemakers like a bag full of anvils, and you don't want to be there when it happens," warned an editorial in that country's Krakow Post. "The local police have seen it all before, and they will ruin your day if you try it on.

"Poland's anti-hooligan squads are armed with: shotguns firing baton rounds that probably won't kill you as long as you're 30m away, a truck-mounted water cannon affectionately known as 'the typhoon', a high-tech sonic cannon that can make you wet yourself on its lowest setting, dogs trained to bite you directly in the testicles."

In other words, have a nice day.

Headlines

• At Fark.com: "I'll Have Another year without a Triple Crown winner."

• In the Tri-City Herald: "Sonics advance to Finals, oh wait."

They're Golden

Golf fanatic B.J. Reichert of Whitehouse, Ohio, has 1-year-old twin sons named Jack and Nicklaus, the Toledo Blade reported.

Someday the kids will thank their lucky stars that dad wasn't a big fan of, say, Duffy Waldorf.

Sports quiz

"I'll Have Another" is:

a) The latest horse that couldn't close the deal on a Triple Crown bid.

b) What defiant Tex Cobb kept muttering during the Larry Holmes fight.

K's by the dozen

LSU pitcher Kevin Gausman, the Orioles' first-round draft pick, superstitiously eats a doughnut before each game he pitches and four more during it.

To no one's surprise, his out pitch is a glazing fastball.

Just kidding

A 6-year-old New York Giants fan was so chagrined after running back Brandon Jacobs bolted for the 49ers that he emptied his piggy bank and mailed $3.36 to Jacobs to entice him back.

Jacobs didn't return, of course, but the kid is suddenly the odds-on favorite to be Bill Bidwill's next GM.

Talko time

• Jeff Gordon of STLtoday.com, envisioning Jets coach Rex Ryan adding out-of-work receiver Chad Ochocinco to his team's circus sideshow: "Imagine a scout team featuring both Tim Tebow and Ochocinco."

• Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, with proof that those injections into Roger Clemens' buttocks were vitamin B12: "Clemens never tested positive for scurvy."

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, after Cowboys fullback Lawrence Vickers was forced to leave practice when fire ants crawled into his pants: "Or as he now calls that afflicted area, the red zone."

Stars in stripes

Where's Waldo?

Judging by the uniforms, best guess is he's playing for the U.S. national soccer team.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com