Perp of the Week? You make the call:

• Chelsea midfielder Jacob Mellis: released by the team after setting off a smoke bomb that forced evacuation of the team's training facility.

• Florida basketball guard Erving Walker: arrested for fleeing with an unpaid-for taco.

• South Carolina Stingrays hockey player Trent Campbell: charged with stealing a taxi outside a bar.

Headlines

• At ThatsSports.com, on Bill Parcells possibly pinch-hitting as Saints coach next season: "Tuna helper."

• At SportsPickle.com: "Charlotte Bobcats still dodging Kentucky."

CSI: Cincinnati (cont'd)

Bengals cheerleader Sarah Jones has been indicted by a grand jury for having an improper relationship with a high-school boy.

If this crime-riddled team wants to sink any lower, it might need James Cameron's submarine.

Mustn't-see TV

"In the NIT finals, Stanford beat Minnesota in a rout," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. "By the end of the game, Minnesota was known as The Land of 10 NIT Viewers."

Don't be Frank here

Frank Martin, the new South Carolina basketball coach, evidently leaves his fiery demeanor at the gym.

As his wife, Anya, told The State newspaper of Columbia, S.C.: "I just remind him he never better yell at me like that, or he will have a fight on his hands."

King of ring-bearers

Smart man, that Brendan Ryan. The Mariners shortstop popped the question to his girlfriend, Sharyn, during the team's junket to Japan last week — but put Felix Hernandez, the team's $78 million pitcher, in charge of bringing the ring on the trip.

"One of the smartest things I ever did," Ryan told MLB.com. "Because I figured if anybody was going to lose it, he could afford it."

The Big Three

"We've got a Big East, a Big Ten and a Big 12 team in the Final Four," noted Carl Steward of the Contra Costa (Calif.) Times. "Big year for conferences starting with Big.

"So what the hell happened, Big Sky and Big West?"

Talko time

• Jim Caple of ESPN.com, on soft-tosser Jamie Moyer still pitching at age 49: "The scouts no longer point the radar gun at him; they just count "one-Mississippi, two-Mississippi ... "

• Times reader Bill Littlejohn, on the Texas Rangers' 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: "It's called The Kevorkian."

• Times assistant metro editor John de Leon, on the expected New York reaction to Jeremy Lin's season-ending knee surgery: "Limpsanity."

No to Saint Nick

Montgomery Public Schools sorted through 60 suggested names and somehow resisted the urge to choose "Nick Saban High School."

In football-worshipping Alabama, it appears, that would've been a conflict of church and state.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com