He's at the head of the class

We interrupt our usual dose of knuckleheads, ne'er-do-wells and look-at-me ballplayers to check in on a vanishing breed of athlete:

The classy superstar, as in Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter.

"In an age when players routinely change teams, he stayed with the Yankees and became their captain,"wrote The New York Times' Tyler Kepner in the upcoming book, "Derek Jeter." "He has done it with sportsmanship and style, with a commanding presence and enduring decency, with signature moments that bridged ballparks and eras for the Yankees.

"He has done it, too, without letting us down, as a symbol of the game we yearn for baseball to be."

We now return you to our regular programming.

Headlines

• At TheOnion.com: "Embarrassed Tigers admit Miguel Cabrera was drunk on something other than official beer of Tigers."

• At SportsPickle.com: "Baseball adds Charlie Sheen to list of banned substances."

Yankee Snipper

"At Yankees camp, Alex Rodriguez had some minor surgery," reported comedy writer Alan Ray. "The team doctor removed Cameron Diaz from his lap."

Baseball quiz

Cubs pitcher Carlos Silva got into a spring-training dustup with a teammate when:

a) Chicago fielders committed three first-inning errors behind him;

b) he lost the tug-of-war for the final postgame french fry.

Bet he was shocked

From the Wrong Things To Say To A Cop file comes Pitt — make that former Pitt — offensive lineman Fernando Diaz, who allegedly refused to accept a citation for public drunkenness in Oakland, Calif., resisted arrest and told the officer, "What the (expletive) are you going to do, hit me?"

No word on whether the cop's Taser — unleashed four times — was credited with an assisted tackle.

Delay of game

"Just to clarify," wrote Brad Dickson in the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, "an NFL 'work stoppage' has nothing to do with Albert Haynesworth in the second half of a season."

Quote marks

• Reid Cherner of USA Today, on Iran's claim that the 2012 London Olympic logo is pro-Zionist: "However, it is true that, if you run the symbols backward, it does spell 'Paul is dead.' "

• Andre Agassi, on a conference call, when asked about the state of his sometimes-rocky relationship with fellow tennis icon Pete Sampras: "Strictly platonic."

Three-for-all

Ohio State's Jon "3bler" Diebler set a school record against Penn State with 10 three-point baskets.

Or as the feat is now known in statistical circles, a double-triple.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com