In the news:
As we know all too well, that Mr. Coffee can be a slippery one.
Caught between gun-rights advocates and people who don’t like to mix hollow points with their quad jammers, Starbucks CEO and Seattle civic traitor Howie Schultz deftly split the difference.
The new bottom line: You can still be packin’ in Starbucks. But your gun isn’t really welcome there. And don’t expect anything other than decaf.
More translation from the original weasel:
Background Dreck: A single private contractor, USIS, gave the OK after security reviews of both serial discloser Edward Snowden and the gunman responsible for the Navy Yard shootings. Hmm. Is this by chance the same firm that chose Mike McGinn and Joe Mahallan for Seattle’s last mayoral election?
Speaking of McGone: In a highly unusual result, 52 percent of Seattle voters said in a new SurveyUSA poll that they would rather slowly bore holes through their skulls with a Makita drill than vote to re-elect the mayor.
Cranking It Up (and Over) a Notch: Quite the event as the world tuned in via the Internet to watch the “parbuckling” episode that righted the massive, shipwrecked Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia. Maybe we can get them over here to get that whole fleet of ferries on the Port Townsend-Keystone run back to plumb.
Perhaps It Was the Stables: WSU was ranked among the nation’s ugliest college campuses by Complex.com, which called it “as uninviting as a medical complex.” The regional medical-complex association is mulling a defamation suit.
Please Don’t Shoot: When House Speaker John Boehner, R-Sudden Tan, appears before cameras to explain the latest Tea Party logic, does anyone else get a flashback to Cleavon Little putting a gun to his own head to escape the angry villagers in “Blazing Saddles”?
Speaking of Never-Ending Hissy Fits: Buoyed by passing its 41st meaningless bill to defund health-care reform, the right-wing faction controlling the House is poised to defund all government operations related to the signing of the Treaty of Ghent.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat: A rare gem from Wolf (The Drone) Blitzer, mystified after repeatedly asking U.S. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers, R-Zip’s Drive In, to explain the value of sending yet another DOA Obamacare measure to the Senate: “Maybe the 42nd time will be the charm.”
The Week’s Bald-Faced Lie: Rep. Kevin McCarthy, R-Tehachapie Texaco, on the latest health-care-defunding nonsense: “It wasn’t just a group of Republicans, it was a bipartisan vote. Let me state that again, because I want to make sure you write it correctly: It was a bipartisan vote, because we’re Americans first.”
Breakdown of Vaunted “Bipartisan Vote:” Of 435 members, Democrats voting yes: 2. Republicans voting no: 1.
Speaking of Annoying Yapper Dogs: You people prancing around with your Shih Tzus in shopping carts realize that the place you have chosen to plunk your dog’s butt is where other people transport food, right?
And Finally: Ultra-budget airliner Allegiant saw major service interruptions when the bulk of its fleet of 55 MD-80 jets was grounded over a “compliance issue” with emergency evacuation slides. You can see why they might be having problems keeping up with that cutting-edge 1979 technology.
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org or 206-464-8280. Twitter: @Roncjudd.
About The Wrap / Ron Judd
"The Wrap" appears on Sundays, highlighting the absurd and providing the punch line to the week's news headlines.