In the news:
All of this tail-chasing is making us dizzy.
Clouds of hapless journos are racking up frequent-cryer miles on Aeroflot (motto: No Soup For You!) as they bounce around the globe on flights that Edward Snowden, the world’s most-wanted man, could be on — but isn’t.
They’d be better off stepping back and letting common sense dictate where Snowden, reputed to be in cold storage at Moscow’s airport, is far more likely to be hiding.
We’d be looking for a forgotten place few regular people would ever venture, completely absent from the global public consciousness. A place where nothing of even marginal import ever happens. In other words: a true news black hole.
Like Safeco Field.
The Week’s Excellence in Geo-Strategery Award Goes To: Crack CNN international-affairs analyst Erin Burnett, who wondered out loud why the U.S. could not just pick up the phone to an ally and have a domestic airliner carrying Snowden “forced down.”
We, Too, Is What We Is: The truth is, we hate to even step foot into the swamp of festering goo that is the Paula Deen story. But someone has to ask: Is it really more of a disgrace to lose one’s ties with Target and Wal-Mart than it was to have established them in the first place?
Speaking of Cholesterol: It’s so cute, watching the handful of remaining Mariners’ fans wasting their time yearning for new team ownership. Soon they will join the rest of the world in understanding that, on the Good Ship Mariner, baseball is just a loss leader for overpriced beer and garlic fries.
This Just In: In a 5-4 vote, the U.S. Supreme Court, declaring tyranny by the British Empire a quaint relic of the past, has effectively gutted the Declaration of Independence.
Speaking of John Roberts: The chief justice (eternal thanks, George W. Bush) actually tried to soften the blow from the loss of most of the meat of the Voter Rights Act by saying it wasn’t really the end of fair-voting standards, because Congress can step in and agree on its own rules. He’s joking, right?
Don’t Say We Never Bring You Good News: Disgraced, vindictive, spiteful, duplicitous, shifty, vengeful, unrepentant, wholly irrelevant dope cheat Lance Armstrong told a French newspaper last week that the exposure of his obsessive cheating by the U.S. Anti-Doping Association has ruined his life.
The Dick Cheney Memorial Transparency in Government Award Goes To: Your Washington state Legislature, which after 150 days of mostly wasted posturing gave the public one shot at commenting on its shiny new state budget — at 8:30 a.m. the morning after the late-night session at which it was approved, with nary a detail provided.
Just To Be Fair: You can see how legislators would push state government to the brink of shutdown over a squabble about a study of state residents’ level of fish consumption.
And Finally: NASA’s Voyager 1 space probe, launched in 1977, sent a message home to Earth and indicated that it’s near the edge of our solar system and by the way is getting pretty darn tired of listening to the same 8-track tape of “Cat Stevens’ Greatest Hits.”
Ron Judd’s column appears each Sunday. Reach him at email@example.com or 206-464-8280.
About The Wrap / Ron Judd
"The Wrap" appears on Sundays, highlighting the absurd and providing the punch line to the week's news headlines.