In the throes of holiday cheer, Mr. Wrap is thankful today not only that the world did not end but that many, many future days can begin with guilt-free omelets now that one of the nation's leading animal-rights voices, Safeway, will only sell eggs that come from "Certified Humane" laying hens.
Knowing someone would ask, we looked it up and can confirm that, to earn the "humane" label, eggs must come from hens that are:
• Able to stand "normally" and "without difficulty."
• Able to turn around and have room to stretch and even flap their wings.
OK, that does it. We're calling on the FAA to institute the very same "Certified Humane" standards for flying in coach.
More ruffled feathers:
Speaking of Chickens: Just for the record, the fine print for "Certified Humane" conditions includes a requirement that laying hens must never be subjected to cruelties such as extremely hot or cold environments or audible podcasts of "The Dori Monson Show."
Surprising "ChristianMingle.com" Holiday Special: Due to an unexpected denominational imbalance, free membership this week only for desperate Lutherans.
There's A Place Called Lonely Town: Anyone else notice the phenomenon this weekend? Empty streets. Empty stores. Empty parks. It's what happens when your local semiprofessional college football franchise gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance to play in the Maaco Las Vegas Bowl.
Yes, That Would Be Correct: An emailer asks: "Just to clarify, I can go to a store and legally purchase an assault rifle, body armor, and unlimited ammunition, but if I purchase it in Seattle or Bellingham, it's illegal to bring it home in a plastic bag?"
That Didn't Take Long: A week after the Sandy Hook massacre, the gun pimps at the National Rifle Association called for an armed guard in every U.S. school. Seriously? Just one?
Also Making an Ass of Itself: An experimental robotic mule being considered for military use has proved capable of carrying up to 400 pounds of materials onto battlefields. Designers note that it also could serve as a perfectly capable stand-in for just about any current member of Congress.
Not to Reign on the Parade, But: Just in the matter of tempting fate, is it really such a good idea to choose, as a name for a Seattle franchise of the latest try at a professional women's soccer league, the name of a Seattle women's professional sports team whose league has already folded?
A Clear Lack of Focus: Unfortunately, after several days of hissy fitting, the nation's self-appointed cellphone documentarians apparently are not abandoning photo-share program Instagram, after all. Yes, that means the rest of us have to go on seeing the world through an oversaturated, scratched-up-1968 Polaroid-print-with-ragged-edges filter.
Oldie But Goodie: First confirmation hearing for next U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry: "Senator, why the long face?"
And Finally: Some seasonal cheer from the stats bureau: America's population growth is nearly flat, at around 314 million people — a nice holiday gift to anyone who asked for a bit more breathing room. Happy Holidays, and check back here next Sunday for The Wrap's eagerly anticipated, Certified Humane 2012 "Feats of Clay" Awards.Ron Judd's column appears each Sunday. Reach him at email@example.com
About The Wrap / Ron Judd
"The Wrap" appears on Sundays, highlighting the absurd and providing the punch line to the week's news headlines.