You know you want one. Actually, you probably don't.

The record will reflect that the American train of progress officially went off the tracks with the unveiling of a new frosty, coagulated-fat delight from Burger King — the hot fudge, caramel and bacon sundae.

If it sells, the company will round out its new Upchuck Dessert Line (patent pending) with BK Signature Headcheesecake and a special Chunky Haggis Milkshake, both of which drew raves during product testing in the Deep South.

More gaseous rumblings:

Risky (Official) Business Update: Snohomish County Executive Aaron Reardon won't be charged with a crime for transgressions that included taking a mistress along with him on official travel, prosecutors have announced. A spokesman said Reardon was shacked up with another county employee and not immediately available for comment.

On a Brighter Note: The end of the case paves the way for Reardon to receive a cash grant for professional development by the William Jefferson Clinton Political Leadership Foundation.

We Weren't Even Going to Go There, But: Faithful reader Carie passed along breaking news that a violent hailstorm struck and damaged a Dale Chihuly glass exhibit at Dallas Arboretum — raising the truly frightening possibility that God does, indeed, reside in the Lone Star State.

The Best Grassroots Support Money Can Buy: That rollicking crowd of Sonics fans, estimated by organizers to be 66.6 million, sure was having a great time Thursday, building critical public momentum for a "self-financing" arena proposal that includes what amounts to a $200 million public payday loan from a cash-strapped city to one of the world's richest men. It was almost a shame when that darn bell rang and ended recess.

Seriously, Though: With the acknowledgment that the investment group includes Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, who could find $200 mil in his underwear drawer, the public-financing part of the plan goes from garden-variety offensive to laughable. Pulling it off the table would fast track the entire stealing-someone-else's team process.

Just Asking: Was Mr. Wrap on vacation when everyone started throwing around "trope" as the popular word of the moment?

Speaking of Arenas: If it ever does come to fruition, future Seattle NBA fans must promise one thing: For the love of God, never agree to come to a game all dressed up in the same shirt. The newest lame trend in fan conformity is like watching a sports event played before the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Meanwhile, in the Lesser Washington: Defense Secretary Leon Panetta has ordered a review of all mental diagnoses conducted by the military. Is it too late to order one up on Donald Rumsfeld?

Running a Bacterial 10K: Scientists have revealed that the average healthy human walks around with as many as 10,000 different species of germs on their bodies — unless they have never set foot inside a Washington State Department of Transportation restroom, in which case they carry only six.

And Finally: Heartiest congrats to all local high-school and college graduates. Best wishes as you take that first big step into adult life — even if it is on the stairway into your parent's basement. As you soon will learn, there are far worse places to be.

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