Who needs Smith & Wesson when you own a slew of Emmy Awards?

"I just keep them in my house ... on bookshelves," broadcaster Joe Buck told the Dallas Morning News. "I think they are good-looking, but they are heavy and the wings are sharp.

"It's good to have them handy. They would make for fine weapons if someone breaks into the house."

Belated fireworks

Two days after the Fourth of July, Ray Allen agreed to leave the Celtics and join the Heat.

Thus validating that old American bromide — life, liberty and the pursuit of South Beach.

Headlines

• At SportsPickle.com: "Female tennis players finally pass painful kidney stone."

• At Fark.com: "David Beckham suspended one game for being too handsome."

Prediction

Forget the yellow jersey.

This year's crash-filled Tour de France will be the first to finish under a yellow flag.

Take 2

How key lines from sports movies would be different if they were filmed today, from SportsPickle.com:

• "Rocky": "I got big plans, Adrian. I want to be the greatest UFC fighter of all time."

• "Bad News Bears": "Good news, Bears. This league doesn't keep score because losing is bad for self-esteem. So we're all winners. Yay!"

• "Rudy": "You're better than this place, kid. You have the talent to walk on at a Big East school."

Name game

Think headline writers aren't salivating at the thought of Pitt recruit Chris Blewitt missing a crucial kick?

Lost & Found Dept.

"We've finally found the missing piece!" was famously uttered last week in reference to:

a) The Higgs boson Particle

b) Steve Nash

Cardinal red

The Vatican is reportedly $19 million in the red. David Stern immediately offered to make it an honorary NBA franchise.

Talko time

• Diva receiver Chad Ochocinco, tweeting during his recent wedding: "What if @EvelynLozada is a runaway bride when I get out there and I'm stuck looking good all by myself ... did I mention looking good?"

• RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after the Knicks signed 39-year-old Jason Kidd: "Just like that, they went from 'Linsanity' to 'You're Kidding.' "

• Greg Cote of the Miami Herald, on 49-year-old pitcher Jamie Moyer; "Moyer is so old he remembers when 'roids meant hemorrhoids."

• Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Chris Paul trying to woo free agents to their teams: "This isn't an offseason; it's the NBA version of 'The Bachelor.' "

Kicking it into gear

Ex-Florida State coach Bobby Bowden was the official starter for Saturday night's NASCAR race at Daytona.

For some strange reason, all of the cars started veering wide right.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com