Beware the hiss of the spider woman

Filled with pretty faces and empty logic, David Moreton's noir-wannabe "Testosterone" flounders about, doing everything but flutter its eyelashes in an attempt to distract us from its lack of substance.

It's the tale of a handsome graphic novelist named Dean (David Sutcliffe, who has an offhand manner similar to Ron Livingston of "Office Space"), whose handsome Argentinian lover, Pablo (Antonio Sabato Jr.), has mysteriously flown the coop. Apparently he went out for cigarettes one night and never returned; audiences, after spending a little time with Dean, will be forgiven for wanting to do the same.

Tipped off by Pablo's gorgeous mother — Sonia Braga, chomping the scenery, who hisses, "Pablo is back where he belongs! You'll never see him again!" — Dean, who seems to have a remarkable amount of free time, heads off to Buenos Aires to find his man. While there, he becomes entangled in one of those Webs of Deceit that noir movies specialize in; except that this one could barely detain a fly. Where the heck is Pablo? Who is the mysterious man in the bookstore and the beautiful woman who works in a cafe? Is the key to the plot hiding in Pablo's mother's cleavage, and is that why she keeps showing it? And does anyone care?

Movie review Showtimes and trailer *½ "Testosterone," with David Sutcliffe, Celina Font, Antonio Sabato Jr., Jennifer Coolidge, Leonardo Brzezicki, Sonia Braga. Directed by David Moreton, from a screenplay by Moreton and Dennis Hensley, based on the novel by James Robert Baker. 105 minutes. Rated R for sexual content, language and some drug use. Varsity.

Everything's lovely to look at, even the massive but whimsical summer house to which Dean is transported, and the teasing, tango-

ish music (by Marco d'Ambrosio) is a playful treat. But you know a movie is hopelessly lost when the main character starts talking to himself, seemingly to fill in some holes in the plot, or when the purchase of a machete elicits only yawns. Sutcliffe gives a strangely charmless performance; Dean is a bit of a self-obsessed boor, and we never really get a sense of his true connection with Pablo. Were they soulmates, or did they just look good together? "Testosterone" leaves out the most interesting parts of its story, leaving only cheekbones behind.

Moira Macdonald: 206-464-2725 or mmacdonald@seattletimes.com