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Originally published Tuesday, June 24, 2014 at 6:15 AM

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Pals bored as friend keeps talking about same thing

You might want to consider hiring a counselor to listen to you, advice columnist Carolyn Hax says.


Syndicated columnist

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Dear Carolyn

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: Someone I’m very close to recently told me, “You know, you talk about [Topic] way too much. It’s getting really boring.” [Topic] is something that’s very significant to me right now, and while I guess I knew I was talking about it a lot it still really hurt me to hear that I’m boring others with it.

Now I’m self-conscious about ever mentioning [Topic], which is a lonely feeling. What do you think I should do to keep from hurting friendships by being overly focused on this one thing?

— Philadelphia

DEAR PHILADELPHIA: Your very-close someone gets points off for tactlessness, but still did you a favor. Painful as it is, it’s better to know you’ve maxed out at least one person’s listening capacity than alienate others as you unwittingly prattle on about [Topic].

So, what to do next:

(1) Hire someone to listen to you. If you can’t afford that, then dig a little more. While alternatives to expensive/scarce professional guidance are inadequate to the need, there are people trying to improve access, be it through sliding-scale fees or group care or affiliation with a larger entity that can absorb some of the costs. Start looking for your safe place to unload. Talking about it beyond even one listener’s limits likely means it’s time to start moving forward, whether it’s a persistent problem or a dramatic life change preoccupying you.

(2) Don’t banish [Topic] from all conversations, but be mindful of others’ limits, and, ideally, open about them: “I realize I’ve beaten [Topic] to death, but I have something I’d like to bounce off you. May I impose on you for 15 minutes?” And stick to the time limit you promised, unless the other person is plainly OK with running long.

(3) Avoid [Topic] around the person who spoke up.

Good luck making peace with [Topic], so it’s not always first in mind.

Re: Topic

I had assumed [Topic] was not a problem, but something “Philadelphia” had gotten passionate about — the equivalent of being a parent with a new kid, which takes up a LOT of your brain space, but others have a loving but finite tolerance. So you try to stay within that tolerance, even if you have to artificially cap your enthusiasm.

— Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: That’s possible too, and for that, the solution is to save [Topic] for those similarly immersed in it.

Re: Topic:

I would add: Get really good at listening to other people about their [Topics], so you are reciprocating in your relationships. Then people might be more likely to keep listening to you on [Topic].

– Anonymous 2

DEAR ANONYMOUS 2: “Listen” might be the single most useful bit of advice, for friendship, romance, career, parenting ... even basket-weaving, though at some point you’ll probably have to weave a basket.

Re: Topic:

Would you mind letting us know what “[Topic]” was?

— Curious

DEAR CURIOUS: It’s the thing in the briefcase in “Pulp Fiction.”

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living



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