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Originally published Tuesday, May 13, 2014 at 6:16 AM

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Speak up about loved one’s lover, but don’t expect changes

Dear Carolyn advice column


Syndicated columnist

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Dear Carolyn

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: When, if ever, is it advisable to tell a loved one you are concerned her relationship is not worth staying in, assuming no abuse?

My 30-year-old, wonderful sister-in-law has long wanted to marry her boyfriend of 12 years. They live together, she supports him financially, but he seems totally lazy or genuinely uninterested in marrying her.

I think she deserves so much better, but I’m sure the idea of breaking up with him is terrifying to her. Neither my husband nor I have really expressed these concerns to her — should we, or should we just trust that she will do what’s best for her?

— Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Is she happy? Stranger pairings have happened.

Expressing concerns and trusting her are not mutually exclusive. Turn it around on yourself for a moment: You know you’ve got most things covered, right? But don’t you occasionally appreciate when someone you respect, and who respects you, offers some useful perspective?

We rant plenty about the nuisance of judgmental bystanders and unsolicited advisers, and it’s often warranted — when your parents keep telling you how to raise their grandkids without acknowledging that times have changed or that you do a few things right, or when strangers weigh in without a scrap of context on your situation, or when people assume that what worked for them applies to everyone.

But when the foundation of trust and respect is there, and you think the value of your view outweighs the risk it’ll be poorly received, it’s important to speak up.

Also, concentrate on what you do know instead of undermining yourself with what you don’t know. In this case, you don’t know “the idea of breaking up ... is terrifying to her.” That’s just you talking. Instead, her concerned sibling can say, “I’m worried about you. I’ve noticed X and Y in the past few years, when your norm has always been Z.”

It doesn’t explicitly indict the boyfriend, which helps by not forcing her to defend him. You’re just saying, “I care, and here’s what I’m seeing, and here’s a mirror.”

Then you back off and let her figure it out.

Carolyn:

She’s been with this guy since she was 18. I don’t think we see any big changes in her. The issue is really that he doesn’t treat her well enough: He does not seem to enjoy spending time with her family (which is very important to her); he has no plans to get a job and instead continues to play poker professionally but unsuccessfully (he’s apparently in debt); and he has suggested that he might like to move — despite the fact that my sister-in-law would leave behind a fantastic job. Is there a good way to frame these things that avoids indicting the boyfriend?

— Concerned again

DEAR CONCERNED AGAIN: Actually, I don’t think there’s a good way to frame things that doesn’t indict the sister, for failing to take care of herself.

In those cases, you are essentially stuck, since the problem is likely bigger than her romantic dead weight.

Still, someone close to her can declare: “I will love you and back you always, but man will I celebrate when you get your head out of your (seat cushion).” Again, a judgment call on what the sibling bond can withstand.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living



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