Anxiety builds over wanting to be wed, have family before it’s too late
Make sure the entire package makes sense for you, advice columnist Carolyn Hax
Adapted from a recent online discussion, and continued from Monday.
DEAR CAROLYN: I agree with you that I shouldn’t be more focused on “checking the box” (of marriage) than on enjoying Boyfriend himself; I’ll cop to having a bit of box-checking anxiety. Marriage is something that’s valued highly among my friends and family, and, as indicated, I’m among the last to get there, and the anxiety does mount exponentially.
(But) I love Boyfriend and want to be his wife, have children with him, buy a home together, etc. Watching other people headed toward these things makes me happy for them, of course. This may have started with the weddings, but that’s probably incidental and more a function of my age, career status, desire for kids, etc.
— Anonymous again
DEAR ANONYMOUS AGAIN: Marriage, kids, mortgage — these, sometimes, are miserable for people. I don’t mean to sound so cynical, because I’m actually not. It’s just that each of these life milestones is a joyous celebration for about a minute, followed by sometimes lifelong responsibilities. That involves implicit trust, hard work, balanced teamwork, and a few good breaks along the way for it to remain a source of occasional, cork-popping elation. Meanwhile, when something goes wrong with each one, it can bankrupt you, or anchor you someplace you don’t want to be, or worse.
And so the White Picket Fence package can’t reasonably be pursued as a package for its own sake, because the individual elements don’t work together that way. The only high-percentage path is to think of marriage if and only if you meet the person you can see yourself having in your life for the duration.
With kids, you have them if and only if you’re in a stage of life where you can and want to give a good life to a child — or if you can get there between the oops-discovery and the due date. Buying a home is what you do when it makes financial sense to, whether you’re single or one of a pair.
See what I mean? Each piece has to make sense. As a package, they’re never going to deliver on what their cultural image promises.
For the past two years I have been seeing a great therapist. I’ve made a lot of progress, so much so that I’ve reached a point where I don’t think I need therapy anymore. I now feel like I can deal with any residual depression/anxiety issues on my own. So, hurrah for progress!
But, it’s going to be hard to say goodbye to my therapist. This might sound weird, but it feels like breaking up with a friend (even though I’ve essentially paid her to be my friend). Any thoughts?
— Breaking Up With My Therapist
DEAR BREAKING UP WITH MY THERAPIST: Taper! There’s no reason you have to lose her phone number. In fact, people who have had successful therapy (congratulations!) often find they benefit from occasional tune-ups. See if you feel better about leaving after making an appointment for, say, 30 days from now.
If you get to Day 28 feeling marvy, then you can cancel or kick it another 30 days down the road, and if that tuneup is sounding good, then it’s there for you.