Skip to main content
Advertising

Originally published Friday, April 4, 2014 at 6:17 AM

  • Share:
           
  • Comments (2)
  • Print

‘Skinny Boyfriend’ seeks mutual health, looks goals

Advice columnist Carolyn Hax on basic respect for boundary lines in a relationship.


Syndicated columnist

Most Popular Comments
Hide / Show comments
Eventually mothers are gone and those pet names are missed. MORE
""DEAR SKINNY BOYFRIEND: No. You don’t get to have goals for other... MORE

advertising

Dear Carolyn

DEAR CAROLYN: As a man with an overweight girlfriend, I feel a bit demonized by this column (http://wapo.st/1jbbY1P) and advice. Me, I’m small and healthy. I saw her pictures online and knew she had some weight on her, but she was appealing enough. She admitted since those pictures were taken, she added 30 pounds from a stressful divorce.

Am I also a heartless superficial slob to want her to lose the 30 pounds she recently gained? I agree if one partner is too demanding of a certain image/appearance or other attribute, then maybe the couple should split. But isn’t there room for compromise, and having some mutual health and appearance goals?

— Skinny Boyfriend

DEAR SKINNY BOYFRIEND: No. You don’t get to have goals for other adults, not “health and appearance” goals, not any other kind of goals. You just don’t.

You can, of course, want someone to lose 30 pounds without being a heartless superficial slob. You can find those pounds unattractive. You can find them indicative of something else that worries you — of a stress-eating problem, of a known but unaddressed health condition, of an annoying habit of bemoaning the weight and using pre-weight-gain photographs without actually changing any habits toward losing weight.

You can break up with (or just not go out with) someone over any of these things.

You can also (fill in your thoughts, desires, biases, etc., here), as long as this (whatever) governs you and your behavior alone.

But you cannot stay with someone while wishing — privately or openly — that she would improve upon the version of herself she presented to you when you met, not without crossing the line between positioning yourself as an equal and assuming the role of mentor, coach, renovator — as in, superior.

Occasionally in a healthy, power-balanced relationship, two people will want something different from each other, sure. But they have to approach it as equal partners, meaning basic respect for boundary lines: My feelings about you are my business, but your body and choices are yours.

By the way — “small and healthy”? Watch how you demonize extra weight; it’s a far more complex business than that.

DEAR CAROLYN: I’m an adult who recently moved back home. I’m having a hard time adjusting to the loss of independence. The one thing that really drives me crazy is that almost every time my mom speaks to me, she uses a pet name or a childhood nickname. I’m not financially independent, and I know my parents love me and do so much for me, so I don’t want to seem unappreciative or unreasonable.

The obvious answer is to just talk to my mom about it, but in past conversations of a similar vein, I could tell she felt hurt by my asking her to treat me as more of an adult. Do you have any suggestions about a light way to approach this?

— Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: No. You are an adult asking to be treated as such, so just be direct about your misgivings. “Mom, I love you and I’m grateful to be here. The loss of independence is hard for me, though. One thing I think would help: Would you please not call me by pet names or nicknames? I get this will be an adjustment, but we’re both finding our way.”

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living



Want unlimited access to seattletimes.com? Subscribe now!

News where, when and how you want it

Email Icon

Hurry! Last two weeks to save 15%.

Hurry! Last two weeks to save 15%.

Reserve your copy of "The Seattle Sketcher," the long-awaited book by staff artist Gabriel Campanario, for the special price of just $29.95.

Advertising

Partner Video

Advertising

The Seattle Times photographs

Seattle space needle and mountains

Purchase The Seattle Times images


Advertising
The Seattle Times

The door is closed, but it's not locked.

Take a minute to subscribe and continue to enjoy The Seattle Times for as little as 99 cents a week.

Subscription options ►

Already a subscriber?

We've got good news for you. Unlimited seattletimes.com content access is included with most subscriptions.

Subscriber login ►
The Seattle Times

To keep reading, you need a subscription upgrade.

We hope you have enjoyed your complimentary access. For unlimited seattletimes.com access, please upgrade your digital subscription.

Call customer service at 1.800.542.0820 for assistance with your upgrade or questions about your subscriber status.

The Seattle Times

To keep reading, you need a subscription.

We hope you have enjoyed your complimentary access. Subscribe now for unlimited access!

Subscription options ►

Already a subscriber?

We've got good news for you. Unlimited seattletimes.com content access is included with most subscriptions.

Activate Subscriber Account ►