Skip to main content
Advertising

Originally published Wednesday, February 19, 2014 at 12:02 AM

  • Share:
           
  • Comments (4)
  • Print

Girlfriend not happy at lack of sex

Carolyn Hax says unless the boyfriend is actually trying to please her, it’s time to face up to not getting what she wants.


Syndicated columnist

Most Popular Comments
Hide / Show comments
30 and Sad - Every relationship has its benefits and its prices. Don't like the... MORE
mmoffit, Thank you for answering my question. Your Christianity and healthcare... MORE
-Is god-parenting a real function? -Not enough sex? Go out there like the... MORE

advertising

Dear Carolyn

DEAR CAROLYN: After three years with my boyfriend, it has become clear we have very different ideas of intimacy. When we first met, there were all the sparks I could hope for, but he quickly cooled to the point of reaching out maybe once every few months, halfheartedly.

I have tried talking about it, being patient, initiating, giving him space to come around — but he just doesn’t desire sex. We love each other and have kept the excitement in all ways except that one, but my eye has started to wander and I fear I might be tempted to cheat; unfortunately, I have an active libido!

He has no insurance so I’ve gone to therapy alone, without result, except that I seem to be pestering him more frequently, usually causing arguments. I don’t want to leave him but don’t know how much longer I can be patient.

– 30 and sad

DEAR 30 AND SAD: “Be patient”? For what?

An active libido isn’t “unfortunate” — it’s part of you.

Whether his dormant libido is part of him, or you, or is fixable, I can’t say. There are steps he could take, though, to explore or explain his lack of interest, which he’s apparently not taking. Knock-knock.

You want to stay, you want regular sex, you want fidelity, you want. Unless he’s actually trying to please you, it’s time to face up to not getting what you want. Maybe you can be happy without sex (doubtful), but there’s rarely happiness where the effort goes only one way.

DEAR CAROLYN: My son’s birthday was four months ago, and his godmother hasn’t yet gotten him a birthday or Christmas gift. The problem is, this is getting in the way of our socializing. Friday I sent them a text suggesting we meet up for dinner. They finally texted back days later (even though these are people who live by their cellphones) to say they were at the movies and missed my message but let’s try next weekend. This has been going on for four months! She’s always sorry she missed us and suggests the next weekend.

It’s because they don’t have my son’s gifts yet. She was “sick” for his birthday party and then admitted later it was because she didn’t have a gift. She rescheduled our Christmas gift exchange several times. I finally dropped off her children’s gifts.

Again she admitted she didn’t have any gifts for my son.

I just got another text asking what my son wanted for his birthday. Really? Just get him a gift card or forget about it. It’s getting to be a joke.

Their kids and my son are good friends. This nonsense is getting in the way of their friendship as well.

This has nothing to do with finances — I happen to know she splashed out on everyone else. What should I do?

– Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Put this thing to rest, please: “Forget gifts! Son just misses your kids.” Clear and textably concise.

Revealing, too, I suspect: If you hold the no-presents-just-presence line, and (ahem) resist the urge to huff about their phone attachments or out-splashings or etc., even in eye-roll form, then I think you’ll clear the path to understanding whether this godmother will ever make time for your family. And whether you miss out on much if she won’t.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living



News where, when and how you want it

Email Icon

Subscribe today!

Subscribe today!

Get 8 weeks of digital access to The Seattle Times for $1

Advertising

Partner Video

Advertising

The Seattle Times Historical Archives

Browse our newspaper page archives from 1900-1984


Advertising
The Seattle Times

To keep reading, you need a subscription.

We hope you have enjoyed your complimentary access. Subscribe now for unlimited access!

Subscription options ►

Already a subscriber?

We've got good news for you. Unlimited seattletimes.com content access is included with most subscriptions.

Subscriber login ►