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Originally published October 5, 2013 at 5:30 AM | Page modified October 5, 2013 at 4:15 PM

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Being needy — or indifferent — isn’t about gender

Carolyn Hax: a successful relationship is based off giving and emotions — from both sides.

Syndicated columnist

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If your friends refuse to drive safely, get new friends. MORE
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Dear Carolyn

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: It probably is unreasonable for me to expect my boyfriend to miss me as much as I miss him, right? I’m constantly thinking of the next time I get to hear his voice or see him (we live an hour and a half apart), and I’ll usually text and/or email once or twice a day to check in and share something that reminded me of him.

Too much? Do I need to back off? He likes hearing from me when I contact him, but some days, like today, if I don’t check in with him, he doesn’t contact me at all. Does he not miss me, and is that a sign to worry?

I’ve noticed that he usually manages to call every two weeks to talk for an hour or so ... and then ask me if he can come spend the night with me. We’ve been together for nine months.

— Men Missing Women

DEAR MEN MISSING WOMEN: No, no, no, please don’t make this about “men” and “women.” Don’t use that as a convenient little broom to sweep away your valid questions about whether this guy cares about you the person or you the convenient twice-a-month sleepover.

You do see it, right? That if you buy the rationalization that all men get less attached than all women, then you can pretend this is a typical relationship instead of a badly lopsided one? Then you can pretend this man loves you as much as any man loves any woman, and shows it the way his chromosomes tell him to?

Ugh.

Any time you’re trying to explain something based on what broad categories of people do, it’s time to stop, back up, stick to the facts at hand — and ask yourself why you’re reaching so far to get a more appealing answer.

People do show their appreciation in different ways, so it’s also possible someone can be bonkers for you and still go days without texting you.

But someone in a real, healthy relationship will get in touch with you — about half the time — as an act of giving, instead of just to get something from you.

DEAR CAROLYN: My friends are bad drivers. I have repeatedly felt unsafe while in the passenger seat. During one trip — only from one part of the city to another — I truly believe that it was only my shouting, “STOP!” that kept us from being in two messy wrecks. So I generally volunteer to drive.

However, we’re about to go on a long trip, and I’m four months pregnant, and I don’t know if they’ll let me drive six hours each way, even though I’m fine with it.

Is there a nice way to let them know that I’m not endangering my life, and the one in my uterus, with them at the wheel?

— The Only Good Driver for Miles

DEAR THE ONLY GOOD DRIVER FOR MILES: No, but as your uterus has probably already told you, “nice” isn’t always the No. 1 priority. I also don’t see why four months of pregnancy has anything to do with how much driving your friends “let” you do. Congrats and good luck.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living

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