Reader advice: breakups, baby-sitting, saying ‘no’
Readers share advice on stepparents as grandparents, breakups, baby-sitting and more while Carolyn Hax is away.
While I’m away, readers give the advice.
On stepparents and the grandparent role:
Many years ago I went through a devastating divorce after a long marriage, and my former husband eventually remarried. One day I saw a snapshot of his new wife holding the hand of my precious 3-year-old granddaughter, my first grandchild, at a fair. They were smiling together, obviously having a great time. It went through me like a sword. My first thought was NO! That’s MY granddaughter! You WILL NOT have her!
Then I brought myself up and remembered: No child can ever have too much love, and the more people who love her the better. She does not belong to me, or to any other; furthermore, she will love whomever she loves.
Although I sometimes experience the sadness of not getting to share grandparenting joys as I had planned, I vowed not to allow jealousy to rule me nor contaminate my relationship with my granddaughter, who is now grown and married. We love each other deeply. As for the other “grandmother,” well, that love continues also, and why not?
Our personal experience was with a grandmother who introduced her grandchildren (two adopted, one biological) to a neighbor and explained that only the youngest was a “real” grandchild; I managed to smile and say, “They all look pretty real to me,” causing a little embarrassment to her, but she never said anything like that again. Sadly, though, the oldest child, who was about 6 then, never forgot this incident.
On “moving on” from a devastating breakup:
A number of friends and I have dealt with the issue of lack of closure and deep hurt after a sudden ending of a heartfelt relationship.
What we learned we must do is extricate the aspects of the relationship that were wonderful to us, and OWN them as deep and important parts of ourselves, not just about the person who left us.
This makes the aftermath an incredible lesson in learning what we love, how we love. It brings to light parts of ourselves we didn’t know were there, some bad, but most very good. It often gives us knowledge about ourselves that is of inestimable value as we go out in new relationships.
On moms who won’t leave their kids with a sitter:
I hear so many of my mom friends say similar things — they are way too anxious to ever leave their baby with a sitter. I always wonder if there’s a liiiiiiittle bit of vanity going on in these situations — as in “No one can take care of my baby as well as I can.” And you don’t have to get proven wrong if you never test it out.
On the beauty of “no,” continued:
There are really very few people to whom you owe explanations; bosses and spouses come to mind first, and only for certain circumstances. Examples of a “succinct no” for all others:
“I can’t make it.”
“I cannot participate.”
“I’m not interested.”
Providing more elaboration only encourages others to start negotiating or, worse, invoke their own objections to your “no” response.
Email Carolyn at firstname.lastname@example.org and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living.