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Originally published Monday, March 18, 2013 at 5:00 AM

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Brother’s military background may actually ease transition to college

Carolyn Hax advises a sister to let her adult brother be self-sufficient and plan his college course load on his own.

Syndicated columnist

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Dear Carolyn

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

DEAR CAROLYN: A year or two after high school, my brother joined the military. He has just finished his time with them and is now talking about going to college on the GI Bill. I think it is a wonderful idea, except he wants to take a full course load (maybe more) right off the bat.

He barely, and I mean by the skin of his teeth, graduated high school. He didn’t do well enough to get into college right out of school.

However, he has never been good with self-scheduling, and I think military courses are MUCH more regimented than your average college course, where a professor can give you a syllabus at the beginning and not say another word about the tests, papers and homework.

I understand his desire to get in and get out before he is 30, but I know how hard it was for me to juggle a full course load, and I didn’t have seven to eight years between high school and college. He also doesn’t handle crashing and burning well. What else can I say to him?

— Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: “.”

Or, if you can say it honestly: “Wonderful idea, I’ll be rooting for you.”

Your brother is a grown man, one who found an effective and honorable solution to the problems created by his so-so high school performance. Show him a little respect.

And even if he’s on the path to disaster exactly as you’ve called it, it’s his job to avert, mitigate or clean up after said disaster — not yours. You get one “Have you considered easing into this, to make sure you can adapt to academic life?” suggestion, then you’re out of his business. That includes any cleanup operation if he is overwhelmed, unless he gets in serious trouble. The healthy extent of your involvement is to help him help himself.

Consider this: Maybe his difficulties with high school, self-scheduling, bouncing back from crashing/burning, and even with assessing how much of a workload he can handle, all extend from being over-meddled with when he was in his formative years. People learn to stand alone incrementally throughout childhood; did he get that chance?

Even when there are obstacles to self-management, such as ADHD or developmental delays, the attention of the child’s nurturing corps still needs to be on promoting self-sufficiency.

He might have some catching up to do still, but students who arrive at college after a trip around the block are known to be good ones; they’re less socially distracted. Respect his autonomy and accomplishments, and let him (learn to) stand alone.

RE: BROTHER: The military teaches you to be organized and meet your schedules and commitments because if you don’t, there are consequences. To a person, everyone I know who has been in the military has retained those organizational skills after leaving the service. Don’t visit your own struggles in college on your brother.

— Anonymous 2

DEAR ANONYMOUS 2: Yes, yes — the discipline part occurred to me, but I missed where s/he’s projecting self onto sib. Bravo. Thanks.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living

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