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Originally published Wednesday, March 6, 2013 at 5:30 AM

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Begrudging grandparents don’t want to baby-sit

Carolyn Hax tells a mother to stop asking her in-laws for help with the grandkids, unless she wants to keep hearing how burdensome it is.

Syndicated columnist

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Dear Carolyn

DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I (as well as his sister and her spouse) are at our wits’ end.

Let me start by saying, I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. Before we had kids, we vacationed with my husband’s immediate family, and went for dinner and drinks very frequently together.

We live within minutes of my in-laws, but do not get or ask for a lot of help. When we do ask for baby-sitting help, we are made to feel like it is a major inconvenience. My sister-in-law gets the same response. We get a laundry list of things she has going on that MAY be impacted by a few hours with her grandchildren. It is usually hair and nail appointments, not work, medical appointments or other terribly pressing matters.

I do not mean to imply that her obligations are any less important than mine. Although, we truly only ask when it is necessary and an occasional (one in four years) anniversary dinner without children. If it is that much of an inconvenience, we would prefer she just say “no” and leave it at that. Any advice on how we can approach this with her? We are all very frustrated.

— J.

DEAR J.: Best approach: Stop asking.

It would be better if she just said “no,” I agree. I also get that you want Grandma and grandkids to be close. Her huffing and puffing, though, are the equivalent of “no,” with the added message that she feels bad enough about saying it that she’ll go out of her way not to.

I’m not excusing this (it is spineless), just explaining it — though I think it’s something you already know. I think you also know that, yes, you are implying your “truly necessary” whatever is more important than her manicure. Own that position — otherwise it sounds pretty rich that you’re annoyed at her for not owning hers.

If you don’t have even a short list of sitters you can hire, then you need to develop one. If you do have a short list and occasionally everyone is busy, then either you postpone your anniversary dinner to a workable night, or, OK, you ask your mother-in-law — knowing you’ll get 18 excuses and possibly no sitter. Part of any “wonderful” relationship is making allowances for the occasional non-wonderful thing that’s part of the package with every person on earth.

Either way, it sounds as if you need to employ the strictest possible definition of “necessary” — and, perhaps, a looser definition of grandmother. That offhand remark, about “things she has going on that MAY be impacted by a few hours with her grandchildren”? It reveals a whole worldview: that grandmas put themselves aside for their grandchildren.

It is lovely when they, and grandpas, do. However, some grandparents are through with child care, done done done, and they — not you, and not Norman Rockwell — get to decide what kind of grandparents they’ll be, barring emergencies.

For dinner, for drinks, for vacay, they’re in. Pattern alert.

So when you have an emergency, yes, recruit your in-laws. Otherwise? You, your husband, your sister- and brother-in-law, your kids, their grandparents, all your collective wits and anything else involved in this familial tug of war would all be better served if you just let go of the rope.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax. Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com/living.

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