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Originally published Saturday, November 3, 2012 at 1:03 PM

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When saying thanks isn't enough for some 'friends'

Advice given about friend who needs more than just a thank-you.

Syndicated columnist

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Dear Carolyn

DEAR CAROLYN:

I have a friend who is a genuinely thoughtful and generous person. However, after doing you a kindness, large or small, she lets the world know about it, saying something to the effect of, "Well, yes, it was inconvenient; but that's just the kind, generous person that I am."

Recently she helped me move my mom to an assisted-living facility. I sent her a nice (snail mail) thank-you note and took her out to dinner, which she says wasn't necessary. But she still tells everyone I couldn't have managed without her, which is stretching the truth.

Am I wrong to feel a bit irritated by this? I, too, try to do nice things for people, but unless it's something really major, a mere "thanks" is sufficient.

— Validation

DEAR VALIDATION:

Your irritation sounds justified, though you might be wrong about her being "genuinely thoughtful and generous," given that her motive apparently is to promote herself. Sure, you can find a selfish motive in just about anything any of us does, even if it's just, "Because it feels good to be selfless," but to find hers, one needn't dig.

I also think you'd be nuts to ask for her help again, unless you're quite sure her help brings more to you than her crowing takes away.

DEAR CAROLYN:

Am I wrong to feel guilty about the disparity between how much my boyfriend loves me and how much I love him? He loves me "so much," I "have his heart," etc. I really, really like him a whole lot, but am not sure it is love.

My mom said relationships work better when the man loves the woman more, but there's a big gulf in my relationship. He's a great guy, and I want the best for him. I don't want to hurt him. Do I end it now or wait to see if our feelings grow closer?

Complicating matters is the fact that our relationship has always been long-distance. He lives in another country so we see each other only once every six months or so, but speak every week.

— Love Disparity

DEAR DISPARITY:

Listen to your heart and mind, not your mom, please.

What a corrosive wives tale that is, blessing the use of men as a means to an end.

Loving fully feels great. Being loved fully feels great. Wanting the best for anyone you date, and for yourself, means holding out for that.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com and follow her at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax

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