Carolyn Hax: No Mrs. Nice Guy if you don't want mom moving in
Advice columnist Carolyn Hax answers questions on how to kindly tell mom you don't want her to move in; should woman tell church friend she no longer believes.
DEAR CAROLYN: My mother has recently decided she wants to move in with my family. My husband and I are not so happy about this decision. We have expressed our feelings to her, but she doesn't seem get that my husband and I would like to raise our son alone. She has different ideas from ours about parenting. What should we do without hurting her feelings?
— ConcernedDEAR CONCERNED: Key points recap:
1. You've already "expressed our feelings," which I take to mean some version of "You're not welcome because you'll be all up in our grills about our child-rearing methods."
2. She "doesn't seem to get" this, which I take to mean that she's still declaring her intent to move in. (Do you know who would have taken "no" for an answer? Someone who also would have respected your boundaries and not imposed herself on your child-rearing decisions.)
3. And, you want a solution that won't hurt her feelings, which I take to mean that you want her to change her mind so you won't have to be the bad guys.
There's no option here that's cost- or consequence-free. That means the only good choice is the one that most honestly reflects your priorities.
So far, you've cast this as a decision between your interests and your mother's. It might help to clarify things if instead you cast it as a decision that must be in the best interests of your son.
Would he benefit more from having your mom there, from seeing adults learn to reconcile different beliefs and practices, from having another adult to care for him, from seeing you treat an elder with compassion even though it means you and your family must make sacrifices?
Or would he benefit more from living in a consistent and harmonious environment, learning from parents who aren't hostage to their own conflict-avoidant tendencies, and who are mindful that adhering to their beliefs often leads to unpopular choices?
Wanting to make everyone happy, or wanting an awkward situation to go away, creates prime conditions for wishful thinking. Chances are you know enough about yourself, your husband, your mother and your son to know who needs to be protected from whom, and why; now's the time to be truthful with yourself about these dynamics, brutally so, and to make the difficult call.
DEAR CAROLYN: I have a very dear Christian friend. We have attended church and study groups together for years. I am no longer a believer and would like to stop going to church, but I know she would perceive that as a sin and end our friendship. I can understand that because her allegiance is to God. Do you see a solution?
— AnonymousDEAR ANONYMOUS: Either you admit your change of heart and be brave about any consequences, or you maintain your church facade to trick a woman of faith that a central tenet of your friendship remains intact, simply because you don't want to risk losing the pleasure of her companionship.
In other words, there's hardly a decision to be made.
Since this friend apparently regards her church as a guiding authority in her life, you can also talk to a pastor you've found to be particularly accessible. Yes, I know, it'll be a bucket of giggles to share your nonbelief with a church leader, but part of any faith involves living in a world where not everyone agrees. Since you seem distraught over how your friend will respond, why not brush up on the template she'll most likely use?
Find her columns daily at www.seattletimes.com