Whatever happened to pass-happy, Fun N Gun Steve Spurrier?

South Carolina's aerial attack ranked 95th in the nation last season, and don't expect any drastic uptick this time around, either.

"If we can't throw it very well," explained the Gamecocks' coach during SEC Media Days, "we're not going to try."

Headlines

• At Fark.com: "Phillies' 257-game sellout streak has come to an end. Battery-throwing Santa inconsolable."

• At SportsPickle.com: "Attention-starved Jets sign Usain Bolt to compete for quarterback job."

This Really Old House

Rome's ancient Colosseum is leaning slightly and needs a $30 million makeover, city fathers say.

David Stern, simply out of habit, threatened to yank the city's NBA franchise if a new arena isn't built.

Southern exposure

The Arkansas football team is doing its best to acclimate defensive end Austin Flynn, a native Californian, to Southern culture.

"We've made Austin eat gumbo and drink sweet tea," Razorbacks guard Tyler Deacon told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, "and we've told him it's OK to say 'hi' to people on the street, even if you don't know them."

Just wondering

Did LSU have any problems finding a helmet large enough to fit defensive tackle Ego Ferguson?

Remember the ring

Gold-medal swimmer Dana Vollmer has an understanding husband — but he has his limits.

"It's really cool that she's getting that recognition. She's a beautiful woman," Andy Grant told ESPN.com. "It's OK for her fans to recognize that, as long as they equally recognize she's married."

Christmas in August

The Seahawks signed Terrell Owens? The Red Sox gave Bobby Valentine a vote of confidence?

"That's horrible news," said nary one punchline writer.

Before Balco

Historian Martin Polley of Britain's Southampton University told Reuters that athletes once ate raw animal testicles before taking part in the:

a) Olympic Games

b) Running of the Bulls

Talking the talk

• Reader B.H., to ThatsSports.com, on whether the U.S. beating Nigeria 156-73 in basketball falls within the spirit of the Games: "I don't think opening a can of whoop-ass is one of the Olympic core values."

• Jets running back Joe McKnight, to Newsday, on the 20-player practice brawl he helped instigate: "I love being on the bottom (of the pile). You get the cheap shots in."

• Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, giving a shout-out to his Ultra Premium Vodka: "It's gluten-free and makes you feel good."

• Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald, on the Mars rover Curiosity reaching the red planet: "In keeping with the Olympic gymnastics spirit, NASA officials said it stuck the landing."

No-way Jose

Former left fielder Jose Canseco has filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

Or as he prefers to call it, an E-7.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com