As Dean Wormer once said, "Then ... they're on double-secret probation!"

The NCAA handed out the most hollow sanctions in its history last week when it declared that, for using 30 ineligible athletes in 12 sports, California Institute of Technology would have to, among other penalties, forfeit a season's worth of victories.

Said Bill Plaschke of the L.A. Times, noting the basketball team's 310-game conference losing streak that ended last season: "The baseball team will vacate all wins during a period in which it went 0-112. The men's water polo team will vacate every win achieved while going 0-66.

"Caltech (is) the school that couldn't succeed at sports if it cheated."

The Yankee Shipper

Here's where he's gone, Joe DiMaggio: to the top of the list in the All-Star stamp voting.

Postal patrons have purchased 421,266 DiMaggio commemoratives since the stamps of four baseball legends went on sale in conjunction with this year's All-Star Game, putting him ahead of Ted Williams (417,066), Willie Stargell (340,646) and Larry Doby (332,566).

Scorn in the USA

"Last night I went out for Chinese," cracked NBC's Jay Leno. "I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform."

Talent scouting

Back when Tommy Lasorda was managing the Dodgers' Class AAA farm team in Spokane more than 40 years ago, he let his big-league bosses know that Hawaii Islanders play-by-play man Al Michaels might someday be a fitting successor to Vin Scully, Padres broadcaster Ted Leitner revealed.

So how did Lasorda learn of Michaels' burgeoning talents?

"Because I've been thrown out of three straight games, and I've been listening in the clubhouse."

Quote marks

• Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, on the best reason to ax the Tour de France: "If we shut down pro cycle racing completely, it would free up enough cops and investigators to stop all the crime in the world."

• Headline at SportsPickle.com: "New York Post lays off its 32-person Jeremy Lin pun staff."

• Len Berman of ThatsSports.com, on reports that Olympic beach volleyballers might trade in their skimpy bikinis for leggings and sleeves because of cold-weather forecasts: "I think we're about to find out who the real fans of beach volleyball are."

Pucks = bucks

According to data from Environics Analytics WealthScapes, for the first time in history the average Canadian household is now richer than its average American counterpart.

In a related note, our first neighborhood hockey practice is tonight at 7.

Dwight Perry: 206-464-8250 or dperry@seattletimes.com